A Different Kind of Teacher PART ONE

I recently spent an fascinating weekend with a teacher. Every person is a teacher; some are warnings, some are examples. Just what do I mean by that? Well, in general there are two kinds of people, Anchors and Speedboats. Anchors drag us down to the bottom where they like to live. Speedboats pull us forward to a bright and healthy future. So this teacher, an Anchor, let’s call him “Bryce” was on fire with lessons. Watching him for two days was a seminar all by itself. He demonstrated by his behavior, attitude and aspect what NOT to do, how NOT to act, what NOT to say. After processing all the lessons he taught me, I made a list. I hope it helps you. It had a profound and lasting effect on me. One I will never forget. In fact, from today forward I will strive to do and be the opposite of each of the 13 lessons learned.

Before I go too much further, I must tell you. Whenever I write about a topic I ask myself a couple of questions to determine its efficacy. First question, “Have I done this personally?” Second question, “Have I observed at least five people do this?” Results are the name of the game. It has to work. I have to believe in it. Otherwise I am wasting your time and mine. I have put the negative observations in a single word first and its positive opposite second and in the form of a question. I like questions. They force me to think.





Here we go:

Right vs. Happy?
Talk vs. Listen?
Frown vs. Smile?
Sulk vs. Serve?
Complain vs. Accept?
Shabby vs. Sharp?
Excuses vs. Responsibility?
Negative vs. Positive?
Resentment vs. Forgiveness?
Friends First vs. Family First?
Criticize vs. Praise?
Bigotry vs. Self-Effacing Humor?
Fat or Fit?

1. Right vs. Happy?
Twenty years ago, a friend of mine asked me, “Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?” That question changed my life. For the first twenty five years of my life, the sub-conscious choice I made was: “I’d rather be right!” It was pure ego and pride. People with low self-esteem and large egos make belittling others a habit. BE-Little. BE-Littler than me. As “Bryce” was a verbally assaulting me by saying I didn’t know anything about how to make tacos in the most condescending of tones, I said, “That’s it.” I walked out of the room. React vs. Respond. Instead of arguing with him and defending my position, I simply gathered my things and left. He saw the effect of his insensitive remark on the faces of those around us and tried to apologize with empty words. Too late. The other people in the room saw his true colors. I didn’t say a word. You see, there is a difference between an apology and an amend. An apology has no teeth and no change in future behavior. An amend on the other hand carries with it responsibility and change. His words were an empty promise. I had heard it from him too many times before. (Did I mention it was over how not to make tacos?) You see, he came from my neighborhood and was older than I. When I was young I looked up to him. Not anymore. He is just older. Sadly, I had adopted much of his philosophy without knowing it. I had to learn to unlearn what I had accepted as the truth. Virtually everything he did was wrong and his life reflects one broken relation after another. He had bought the wrong plan! He is sixty years old. HE isn’t going to change. It was time for me to change. I would rather be happy than right. So I left. It will be a long time before I ever spend time with him again, if ever. Life is too short.

2. Talk vs. Listen?
Dale Carnegie wrote, “You can make more friends in twenty minutes by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two hours trying to get them interested in you.” My senior year in high school, I was nominated for “Most Talkative” and it wasn’t a compliment. I used to talk and talk and talk. When you were exhausted from my monologue, I would find another victim to talk to. Today, the people I admire are the ones that say, “How is your family?” and then listen. “How is your business?” and then listen. Listening requires a dying of self, it’s OTHER-Centered vs. SELF-Centered. God gave us two ears, two eyes, one mouth. I am working on using those gifts in that ratio. 4-1. Listen and watch four times as much as I talk. Great listeners are welcome everywhere they go. They get invited back. Talkers don’t get asked back. I want to dominate the listening today. I watch “B” do the talk, talk, talk shuffle. I was painful. Today I like a balance of talking and listening. Its fair. Everyone has a story. Everyone has something to be proud of. The only way I will learn is to ask questions and listen. I avoid saying “That’s nothing, one time I...” and remain content and listen. I might say, “No way, then what happened...” and listen some more. It turns out, it’s fun to listen. Who knew? I never learn anything when I am talking.

3. Frown vs. Smile?
It takes thirteen facial muscles to smile, forty seven to frown. Evidently, I didn’t mind the extra work. Each of us are mirrors. We attract people of like mind and attitude. Birds of a feather, flock together. I love being around smilers. They laugh quickly and easily. They are usually in a good mood. They are genuinely glad to see you. They are Speedboats. They pull us forward. I have to, from time to time, consciously remember to smile. It’s worth the effort. I need to show more teeth. A change in physiology occurs when we do. Endorphins are released, the brain emits serotonin, a chemical which decrease stress and build our immune system. It’s healthy to smile and laugh. Watching the Different Kind of Teacher, he rarely smiles. Most of the time, he wears a frown. Sad.

4.Sulk vs. Serve?
Sulking is a kissing cousin to frowning. Sulking is self-pity in disguise. It’s a cry for pity and attention. Toddlers do it when they don’t get their way. It’s a unique combination of frowning, silence, distance and detachment. I choose to avoid the sulkers. I don’t want to know what’s wrong. I want to be around Speedboats. Anchors are toxic. It’s painful to observe. I am a recovering sulker. Anchors away. Speedboats serve others. They look for ways to help. They volunteer. They jump right and say “What can I do?” Embracing a Servant Leadership Attitude means constantly looking for ways to help. I am getting better at reading body language, anticipating needs and serving others. It’s a great feeling that instantly makes me feel good about myself.

5.Complain vs. Accept?
Bless this different kind of teachers heart! All I heard for the first few hours was how bad the food was and how stupid the people where he encountered on his drive north from California. My wife and I have a favorite phrase, “What kind of people live in this town?” She claims, and I agree, that if you are nice to people, they are always nice back. If you believe people are mean, stupid, they generally prove you right. What kind of people live in your town? Today I am working on acceptance of people, places and things. Who am I to judge others? I have no idea what they are going through. The carpenter from Nazareth once said, “Judge not, lest ye be judged. Don’t worry about the sliver in your brother’s eye when there is log in your own. I have to stop hanging around the lumber yard! Anchors complain, Speedboats accept and forgive others.