A wise old farmer asked his fourteen year old grandson to help him with a long overdue project, to remove the boards from a six foot high fence that needed repair one saturday morning. He laid out exactly WHAT he wanted done and WHY it was so important, as any good leader would. The HOW was up to his grandson.
He checked back on his grandson an hour later only to find the young man standing there wearing his favorite cowboy hat staring at the imposing task.
Not a single board had been removed. “What’s wrong Johnny?” the grandfather asked. Looking down at his cowboy boots in shame, he replied, “Well, this fence is so high and its going to take a lot of work and time for me to get all the boards down. I am having a hard time getting started,” tipping his favorite hat back on his young head in frustration.
With that, the farmer grabbed his grandson’s cowboy hat and threw it over the fence.
“Hey, why did you do that! That’s my favorite hat!”
“Johnny, as I told you father when he was your age, in order to get your hat back, you are going to have to take down a few boards. Once you get going, you might find you have to take down a few more. At that point, you may decide to stop for the day. That’s okay because you can come back tomorrow, throw your hat over the fence again and take down a few more boards. Eventually, before you know it, the job is done.”
The young man smiled, looked up his grandpa and went to work.
Sometimes, we just have to toss our favorite hat over big jobs and start. Action cures fear. What are you putting off? Are you feeling overwhelmed? Go find your favorite hat and toss it over your next big fence project.
Mark Matteson, Author, Speaker
206.697.0454
Watch my inspiring demo video:
http://sparkingsuccess.net
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Sunday, September 11, 2011
How Do You Know It's Bad
My oldest son Colin has been playing professional basketball since he graduated from University of Fairbanks, Alaska in 2009. First he played in Cottbus, Germany and led his team to the championship. Next it was off to Darwin, Australia where he averaged 27 points per game including three 42 point games (hitting 10 three pointers several times in one game!) Recently he signed with a club in England.
We were excited. My grandfather was a Coldstream Guard in London during WW2. I spend five summers in England as a child. My late mother met my father in Ryslip, England in 1949 where my father was playing semi-pro basketball while stationed in Uxbridge. Colin skills and hard work had united three generations. It had come full circle.
When Colin arrived at Heathrow Airport last week, he was detained for seven hours by customs. Evidently he did not have the correct Visa. Inevitably he was sent back to America to sort out this faux-pas. He mentioned he was hungry after six hours and was directed to a table where there was a bag of potato chips and a moldy orange. (The British are not famous for their food.)
Devastated, exhausted after 36 hours of traveling we sat down to discuss his options and next steps. In the midst of his pain I asked him, “How do you know its bad?” He looked at me like I was insane. We went to work securing the correct visa online. It took six hours. He was told he would need to visit a company that would take his fingerprints and photograph and he would have his new and correct visa in 7-10 business days.
Three days later he received a call from a First Division Team in Ireland. An offer for five times what the English Team was going to pay him! He leaves for Limmerick, Ireland on Tuesday.
When one door closes, another opens up. Every dark cloud has a silver lining. How do you know its bad? Now he understands those are not simply clever phrases in the midst of adversity and setback. They are laws live Gravity.
The next time you receive some distressing news, remember the question, HOW DO YOU KNOW IT’S BAD? It might just land you in Ireland!
We were excited. My grandfather was a Coldstream Guard in London during WW2. I spend five summers in England as a child. My late mother met my father in Ryslip, England in 1949 where my father was playing semi-pro basketball while stationed in Uxbridge. Colin skills and hard work had united three generations. It had come full circle.
When Colin arrived at Heathrow Airport last week, he was detained for seven hours by customs. Evidently he did not have the correct Visa. Inevitably he was sent back to America to sort out this faux-pas. He mentioned he was hungry after six hours and was directed to a table where there was a bag of potato chips and a moldy orange. (The British are not famous for their food.)
Devastated, exhausted after 36 hours of traveling we sat down to discuss his options and next steps. In the midst of his pain I asked him, “How do you know its bad?” He looked at me like I was insane. We went to work securing the correct visa online. It took six hours. He was told he would need to visit a company that would take his fingerprints and photograph and he would have his new and correct visa in 7-10 business days.
Three days later he received a call from a First Division Team in Ireland. An offer for five times what the English Team was going to pay him! He leaves for Limmerick, Ireland on Tuesday.
When one door closes, another opens up. Every dark cloud has a silver lining. How do you know its bad? Now he understands those are not simply clever phrases in the midst of adversity and setback. They are laws live Gravity.
The next time you receive some distressing news, remember the question, HOW DO YOU KNOW IT’S BAD? It might just land you in Ireland!
Thursday, September 8, 2011
A Different Kind of Teacher PART THREE
Declarations are a simple way to assimilate the positive precepts into your life and make them your own. Below are the 13 Habits that will change your life for good. Read each one two to five times a day for a week and then move to the next one. At the end of the year, you have gone through each one four times. Ben Franklin taught this simple strategy in his autobiography, perhaps the first self-help book ever written in this country. It worked for Ben. Maybe it will work for me and you?
I choose to be HAPPY today! I am as happy as I make my mind up to be. I make gratitude lists regularly. I love my life.
I dominate the LISTENING in every conversation. I listen, pause, question and paraphrase. “Yes and then what happened...?” is a favorite phrase of mine.
I SMILE twice an hour, 24 times a day! I am quick to Laugh. Joy and gratitude are habits of thought and feeling today.
I look for ways to humbly SERVE others every day.
I ACCEPT people, place and things as being exactly the way they are supposed to be. I love people and life.
I look SHARP and dress well. I have self-respect.
I take personal RESPONSIBILITY for all of my actions and decisions. When I am wrong I promptly admit it and move on.
I enjoy a POSITIVE outlook on life. I am an Optimist.
I FORGIVE others easily and quickly.
I am a FAMILY FIRST Guy.
I PRAISE others consistently every day. I am a GOOD finder!
I use SELF-EFFACING Humor and others feel safe around me.
I am FIT at Fifty Four. I eat small portions, quality food and exercise 6x a week. I love to workout.
Mark Matteson, Author, Speaker
206.697.0454
email = mark@sparkingsuccess.net
Watch my inspiring demo video:
http://sparkingsuccess.net
I choose to be HAPPY today! I am as happy as I make my mind up to be. I make gratitude lists regularly. I love my life.
I dominate the LISTENING in every conversation. I listen, pause, question and paraphrase. “Yes and then what happened...?” is a favorite phrase of mine.
I SMILE twice an hour, 24 times a day! I am quick to Laugh. Joy and gratitude are habits of thought and feeling today.
I look for ways to humbly SERVE others every day.
I ACCEPT people, place and things as being exactly the way they are supposed to be. I love people and life.
I look SHARP and dress well. I have self-respect.
I take personal RESPONSIBILITY for all of my actions and decisions. When I am wrong I promptly admit it and move on.
I enjoy a POSITIVE outlook on life. I am an Optimist.
I FORGIVE others easily and quickly.
I am a FAMILY FIRST Guy.
I PRAISE others consistently every day. I am a GOOD finder!
I use SELF-EFFACING Humor and others feel safe around me.
I am FIT at Fifty Four. I eat small portions, quality food and exercise 6x a week. I love to workout.
Mark Matteson, Author, Speaker
206.697.0454
email = mark@sparkingsuccess.net
Watch my inspiring demo video:
http://sparkingsuccess.net
A Different Kind of Teacher PART TWO
6.Shabby vs. Sharp?
They say clothes make the man. They say we only get one chance to make a great first impression. They say. I know a fellow of modest means that always looks sharp. He is a technician. He has a good job but isn’t rich. When he walks in the room, people turn and look at him. He irons his clothes. His shoes are shined. His hair and beard are neatly trimmed. He has self-respect. He doesn’t look like he slept in his clothes the night before. The color of his shoes match his belt. Little things. He isn’t slovenly. He eats right and takes care of himself. He cares about how he looks but doesn’t obsess about it. He makes a great first, second and third impression. I am working on looking sharp today. I used to show up looking like I slept in my clothes. It’s different today. I iron my pants, shine my shoes, make certain my clothes match. It’s astonishing how little time it takes to look sharp vs. shabby.
7.Excuses vs. Responsibility?
We either make excuses or finish what we start. We either blame others or grow up and do what we say we are going to do. We keep our word to ourselves. Only then can we keep it to others. When we blame others we are really indicting ourselves. Do you remember Aesop’s fable of the of the fox and grapes? After unsuccessfully trying to reach the grapes up on the vine one hot, dusty August day, the angry fox walked away still hungry and thirsty complaining aloud, “They are probably sour grapes anyway. I didn’t really want them.” I don’t want to be the fox. I don’t want to be Mr. Sour Grapes. It’s time for me to grow up, to take personal responsibility for all of my actions and decisions.
8.Negative vs. Positive?
Which one are you? Half Empty or Half Full? Pessimist or Optimist? According to a recent study at Chicago University, Optimists live longer than Pessimists do and have a better time along the way. What is your philosophy? The difference is Pessimists believe the causes of their tragedies and setbacks are permanent, pervasive and personal. (“It’s going to last forever, it’s going to undermine everything I do and it’s me.”) Optimists on the other hand believe the opposite. (“It’s temporary, it will change and I have influence over its outcome.!”) It’s a choice. It’s an attitude. It’s a philosophy. I choose to be an Optimist. Guess what? As a result of that choice, I will live longer and have a better time along the way.
9.Resentment or Forgiveness?
For the first 25 years of my life, I would seethe with resentment over an issue I had caused. I stepped on the toes of others, and was oblivious to the effects of my actions and then I would feel sorry for myself while I blamed others for my problems. Soon, this big resentment attracts lots of little ones. I would replay the wounds over and over again. I was a grudge holder. I would seek out other grudge holders and have a pity party. The solution is simple. Take responsibility for actions and decisions, forgive the other person and move on. The days are long but the years are short. Certainly too short to be holding on to grudges for weeks, months or years. Forgive and forget. Move on. I just know I will live longer and enjoy this brief journey more.
10.Friends First vs. Family First?
I love the line from the Kevin Costner film “Wyatt Earp”, Gene Hackman, Wyatt’s father says at the dinner table, “Nothing counts so much as blood. Everyone else are strangers.” I have tried to live that simple creed. I am very close to my children. I have always spelled love, TIME. Given the choice between a gathering of friends or family, I choose family every time. Not true for some people. My wife taught me that. I married up. Her family is close. Now ours is. Though my kids are grown and living out of country and in other states, but we talk almost daily. Don’t get me wrong, I have some great friends. I enjoy my time with them. I meet once a week with a group of middle age men who share the same values. However, my family always comes first. I believe thats the way its supposed to be.
11.Criticize vs. Praise?
I used to criticize anyone that was more successful than I. When I consider that, it makes me sad. I used to do that all the time. I was often heard saying, “That guy got lucky” or “He must have cheated.” Not anymore. My new favorite phrase is “GOOD FOR YOU!” or “Way to go! You must feel great (or proud). YOU earned it. That’s exciting!” Are you a fault finder or a good finder? Healthy people choose to be good finders. It’s an extension of how they feel about themselves. That too is a choice.
12.Bigotry vs. Self-Effacing Humor
Negative humor is at the expense of someone else, be it a different lifestyle, culture, color or gender. It’s a form of hatred. Judgment and criticism are an extension of that habit. I have been guilty in the past and still, from time to time, catch myself doing it. It’s intolerance. It’s fear based. It’s bigotry. Making fun of myself on the other hand is healthy. If I make fun of my hair, height or shortcomings, you don’t get to. Its like popping a balloon. It surprises people. They don’t expect it. I can do it as much as I want and its okay. It also belies a level of confidence, self-worth and esteem that makes others feel safe. Moreover, its fun. It allows the receiver to relax and enjoy a good laugh at my expense.
13. Fat or Fit?
60% of americans are obese. 30# overweight is considered obese. The tire around the middle. The waist is a terrible thing to mind. Middle age is when your broad mind and narrow waist trade places. I use to gobble my food and reach for seconds before the rest of the guests were halfway finished with firsts. I was betting rushing so I could have thirds. When others went for a walk, I stayed behind and sat on the couch. Being fit is simple, just three things to master: Small portions, quality food, and exercise. That’s it. I am about 10# over my desired weight. I have some work to do. I will achieve my waist goal.
It really is true, we become most like the people with whom we associate. Who are you hanging around? Anchors or Speedboats? What kind of teachers are influencing your philosophy?
I hope these lessons learned from a different kind of teacher will offer some options, some joy, some peace of mind in your life. I know I have a long way to go to live up these 13 Insights. I will be working on them the rest of my life. My hope is the next time you see or hear me, you will notice I am practicing the latter, not the former precept. Maybe, just maybe, I will hear you say, “Good for you!” followed by, “You are nothing like you used to be.” Followed still with “By the way, have you lost some hair?”
I probably should forward this to that different kind of teacher. Thanks Bryce. I learned so much.
Enjoy the journey, the best is yet to come.
They say clothes make the man. They say we only get one chance to make a great first impression. They say. I know a fellow of modest means that always looks sharp. He is a technician. He has a good job but isn’t rich. When he walks in the room, people turn and look at him. He irons his clothes. His shoes are shined. His hair and beard are neatly trimmed. He has self-respect. He doesn’t look like he slept in his clothes the night before. The color of his shoes match his belt. Little things. He isn’t slovenly. He eats right and takes care of himself. He cares about how he looks but doesn’t obsess about it. He makes a great first, second and third impression. I am working on looking sharp today. I used to show up looking like I slept in my clothes. It’s different today. I iron my pants, shine my shoes, make certain my clothes match. It’s astonishing how little time it takes to look sharp vs. shabby.
7.Excuses vs. Responsibility?
We either make excuses or finish what we start. We either blame others or grow up and do what we say we are going to do. We keep our word to ourselves. Only then can we keep it to others. When we blame others we are really indicting ourselves. Do you remember Aesop’s fable of the of the fox and grapes? After unsuccessfully trying to reach the grapes up on the vine one hot, dusty August day, the angry fox walked away still hungry and thirsty complaining aloud, “They are probably sour grapes anyway. I didn’t really want them.” I don’t want to be the fox. I don’t want to be Mr. Sour Grapes. It’s time for me to grow up, to take personal responsibility for all of my actions and decisions.
8.Negative vs. Positive?
Which one are you? Half Empty or Half Full? Pessimist or Optimist? According to a recent study at Chicago University, Optimists live longer than Pessimists do and have a better time along the way. What is your philosophy? The difference is Pessimists believe the causes of their tragedies and setbacks are permanent, pervasive and personal. (“It’s going to last forever, it’s going to undermine everything I do and it’s me.”) Optimists on the other hand believe the opposite. (“It’s temporary, it will change and I have influence over its outcome.!”) It’s a choice. It’s an attitude. It’s a philosophy. I choose to be an Optimist. Guess what? As a result of that choice, I will live longer and have a better time along the way.
9.Resentment or Forgiveness?
For the first 25 years of my life, I would seethe with resentment over an issue I had caused. I stepped on the toes of others, and was oblivious to the effects of my actions and then I would feel sorry for myself while I blamed others for my problems. Soon, this big resentment attracts lots of little ones. I would replay the wounds over and over again. I was a grudge holder. I would seek out other grudge holders and have a pity party. The solution is simple. Take responsibility for actions and decisions, forgive the other person and move on. The days are long but the years are short. Certainly too short to be holding on to grudges for weeks, months or years. Forgive and forget. Move on. I just know I will live longer and enjoy this brief journey more.
10.Friends First vs. Family First?
I love the line from the Kevin Costner film “Wyatt Earp”, Gene Hackman, Wyatt’s father says at the dinner table, “Nothing counts so much as blood. Everyone else are strangers.” I have tried to live that simple creed. I am very close to my children. I have always spelled love, TIME. Given the choice between a gathering of friends or family, I choose family every time. Not true for some people. My wife taught me that. I married up. Her family is close. Now ours is. Though my kids are grown and living out of country and in other states, but we talk almost daily. Don’t get me wrong, I have some great friends. I enjoy my time with them. I meet once a week with a group of middle age men who share the same values. However, my family always comes first. I believe thats the way its supposed to be.
11.Criticize vs. Praise?
I used to criticize anyone that was more successful than I. When I consider that, it makes me sad. I used to do that all the time. I was often heard saying, “That guy got lucky” or “He must have cheated.” Not anymore. My new favorite phrase is “GOOD FOR YOU!” or “Way to go! You must feel great (or proud). YOU earned it. That’s exciting!” Are you a fault finder or a good finder? Healthy people choose to be good finders. It’s an extension of how they feel about themselves. That too is a choice.
12.Bigotry vs. Self-Effacing Humor
Negative humor is at the expense of someone else, be it a different lifestyle, culture, color or gender. It’s a form of hatred. Judgment and criticism are an extension of that habit. I have been guilty in the past and still, from time to time, catch myself doing it. It’s intolerance. It’s fear based. It’s bigotry. Making fun of myself on the other hand is healthy. If I make fun of my hair, height or shortcomings, you don’t get to. Its like popping a balloon. It surprises people. They don’t expect it. I can do it as much as I want and its okay. It also belies a level of confidence, self-worth and esteem that makes others feel safe. Moreover, its fun. It allows the receiver to relax and enjoy a good laugh at my expense.
13. Fat or Fit?
60% of americans are obese. 30# overweight is considered obese. The tire around the middle. The waist is a terrible thing to mind. Middle age is when your broad mind and narrow waist trade places. I use to gobble my food and reach for seconds before the rest of the guests were halfway finished with firsts. I was betting rushing so I could have thirds. When others went for a walk, I stayed behind and sat on the couch. Being fit is simple, just three things to master: Small portions, quality food, and exercise. That’s it. I am about 10# over my desired weight. I have some work to do. I will achieve my waist goal.
It really is true, we become most like the people with whom we associate. Who are you hanging around? Anchors or Speedboats? What kind of teachers are influencing your philosophy?
I hope these lessons learned from a different kind of teacher will offer some options, some joy, some peace of mind in your life. I know I have a long way to go to live up these 13 Insights. I will be working on them the rest of my life. My hope is the next time you see or hear me, you will notice I am practicing the latter, not the former precept. Maybe, just maybe, I will hear you say, “Good for you!” followed by, “You are nothing like you used to be.” Followed still with “By the way, have you lost some hair?”
I probably should forward this to that different kind of teacher. Thanks Bryce. I learned so much.
Enjoy the journey, the best is yet to come.
A Different Kind of Teacher PART ONE
I recently spent an fascinating weekend with a teacher. Every person is a teacher; some are warnings, some are examples. Just what do I mean by that? Well, in general there are two kinds of people, Anchors and Speedboats. Anchors drag us down to the bottom where they like to live. Speedboats pull us forward to a bright and healthy future. So this teacher, an Anchor, let’s call him “Bryce” was on fire with lessons. Watching him for two days was a seminar all by itself. He demonstrated by his behavior, attitude and aspect what NOT to do, how NOT to act, what NOT to say. After processing all the lessons he taught me, I made a list. I hope it helps you. It had a profound and lasting effect on me. One I will never forget. In fact, from today forward I will strive to do and be the opposite of each of the 13 lessons learned.
Before I go too much further, I must tell you. Whenever I write about a topic I ask myself a couple of questions to determine its efficacy. First question, “Have I done this personally?” Second question, “Have I observed at least five people do this?” Results are the name of the game. It has to work. I have to believe in it. Otherwise I am wasting your time and mine. I have put the negative observations in a single word first and its positive opposite second and in the form of a question. I like questions. They force me to think.
Here we go:
Right vs. Happy?
Talk vs. Listen?
Frown vs. Smile?
Sulk vs. Serve?
Complain vs. Accept?
Shabby vs. Sharp?
Excuses vs. Responsibility?
Negative vs. Positive?
Resentment vs. Forgiveness?
Friends First vs. Family First?
Criticize vs. Praise?
Bigotry vs. Self-Effacing Humor?
Fat or Fit?
1. Right vs. Happy?
Twenty years ago, a friend of mine asked me, “Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?” That question changed my life. For the first twenty five years of my life, the sub-conscious choice I made was: “I’d rather be right!” It was pure ego and pride. People with low self-esteem and large egos make belittling others a habit. BE-Little. BE-Littler than me. As “Bryce” was a verbally assaulting me by saying I didn’t know anything about how to make tacos in the most condescending of tones, I said, “That’s it.” I walked out of the room. React vs. Respond. Instead of arguing with him and defending my position, I simply gathered my things and left. He saw the effect of his insensitive remark on the faces of those around us and tried to apologize with empty words. Too late. The other people in the room saw his true colors. I didn’t say a word. You see, there is a difference between an apology and an amend. An apology has no teeth and no change in future behavior. An amend on the other hand carries with it responsibility and change. His words were an empty promise. I had heard it from him too many times before. (Did I mention it was over how not to make tacos?) You see, he came from my neighborhood and was older than I. When I was young I looked up to him. Not anymore. He is just older. Sadly, I had adopted much of his philosophy without knowing it. I had to learn to unlearn what I had accepted as the truth. Virtually everything he did was wrong and his life reflects one broken relation after another. He had bought the wrong plan! He is sixty years old. HE isn’t going to change. It was time for me to change. I would rather be happy than right. So I left. It will be a long time before I ever spend time with him again, if ever. Life is too short.
2. Talk vs. Listen?
Dale Carnegie wrote, “You can make more friends in twenty minutes by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two hours trying to get them interested in you.” My senior year in high school, I was nominated for “Most Talkative” and it wasn’t a compliment. I used to talk and talk and talk. When you were exhausted from my monologue, I would find another victim to talk to. Today, the people I admire are the ones that say, “How is your family?” and then listen. “How is your business?” and then listen. Listening requires a dying of self, it’s OTHER-Centered vs. SELF-Centered. God gave us two ears, two eyes, one mouth. I am working on using those gifts in that ratio. 4-1. Listen and watch four times as much as I talk. Great listeners are welcome everywhere they go. They get invited back. Talkers don’t get asked back. I want to dominate the listening today. I watch “B” do the talk, talk, talk shuffle. I was painful. Today I like a balance of talking and listening. Its fair. Everyone has a story. Everyone has something to be proud of. The only way I will learn is to ask questions and listen. I avoid saying “That’s nothing, one time I...” and remain content and listen. I might say, “No way, then what happened...” and listen some more. It turns out, it’s fun to listen. Who knew? I never learn anything when I am talking.
3. Frown vs. Smile?
It takes thirteen facial muscles to smile, forty seven to frown. Evidently, I didn’t mind the extra work. Each of us are mirrors. We attract people of like mind and attitude. Birds of a feather, flock together. I love being around smilers. They laugh quickly and easily. They are usually in a good mood. They are genuinely glad to see you. They are Speedboats. They pull us forward. I have to, from time to time, consciously remember to smile. It’s worth the effort. I need to show more teeth. A change in physiology occurs when we do. Endorphins are released, the brain emits serotonin, a chemical which decrease stress and build our immune system. It’s healthy to smile and laugh. Watching the Different Kind of Teacher, he rarely smiles. Most of the time, he wears a frown. Sad.
4.Sulk vs. Serve?
Sulking is a kissing cousin to frowning. Sulking is self-pity in disguise. It’s a cry for pity and attention. Toddlers do it when they don’t get their way. It’s a unique combination of frowning, silence, distance and detachment. I choose to avoid the sulkers. I don’t want to know what’s wrong. I want to be around Speedboats. Anchors are toxic. It’s painful to observe. I am a recovering sulker. Anchors away. Speedboats serve others. They look for ways to help. They volunteer. They jump right and say “What can I do?” Embracing a Servant Leadership Attitude means constantly looking for ways to help. I am getting better at reading body language, anticipating needs and serving others. It’s a great feeling that instantly makes me feel good about myself.
5.Complain vs. Accept?
Bless this different kind of teachers heart! All I heard for the first few hours was how bad the food was and how stupid the people where he encountered on his drive north from California. My wife and I have a favorite phrase, “What kind of people live in this town?” She claims, and I agree, that if you are nice to people, they are always nice back. If you believe people are mean, stupid, they generally prove you right. What kind of people live in your town? Today I am working on acceptance of people, places and things. Who am I to judge others? I have no idea what they are going through. The carpenter from Nazareth once said, “Judge not, lest ye be judged. Don’t worry about the sliver in your brother’s eye when there is log in your own. I have to stop hanging around the lumber yard! Anchors complain, Speedboats accept and forgive others.
Before I go too much further, I must tell you. Whenever I write about a topic I ask myself a couple of questions to determine its efficacy. First question, “Have I done this personally?” Second question, “Have I observed at least five people do this?” Results are the name of the game. It has to work. I have to believe in it. Otherwise I am wasting your time and mine. I have put the negative observations in a single word first and its positive opposite second and in the form of a question. I like questions. They force me to think.
Here we go:
Right vs. Happy?
Talk vs. Listen?
Frown vs. Smile?
Sulk vs. Serve?
Complain vs. Accept?
Shabby vs. Sharp?
Excuses vs. Responsibility?
Negative vs. Positive?
Resentment vs. Forgiveness?
Friends First vs. Family First?
Criticize vs. Praise?
Bigotry vs. Self-Effacing Humor?
Fat or Fit?
1. Right vs. Happy?
Twenty years ago, a friend of mine asked me, “Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?” That question changed my life. For the first twenty five years of my life, the sub-conscious choice I made was: “I’d rather be right!” It was pure ego and pride. People with low self-esteem and large egos make belittling others a habit. BE-Little. BE-Littler than me. As “Bryce” was a verbally assaulting me by saying I didn’t know anything about how to make tacos in the most condescending of tones, I said, “That’s it.” I walked out of the room. React vs. Respond. Instead of arguing with him and defending my position, I simply gathered my things and left. He saw the effect of his insensitive remark on the faces of those around us and tried to apologize with empty words. Too late. The other people in the room saw his true colors. I didn’t say a word. You see, there is a difference between an apology and an amend. An apology has no teeth and no change in future behavior. An amend on the other hand carries with it responsibility and change. His words were an empty promise. I had heard it from him too many times before. (Did I mention it was over how not to make tacos?) You see, he came from my neighborhood and was older than I. When I was young I looked up to him. Not anymore. He is just older. Sadly, I had adopted much of his philosophy without knowing it. I had to learn to unlearn what I had accepted as the truth. Virtually everything he did was wrong and his life reflects one broken relation after another. He had bought the wrong plan! He is sixty years old. HE isn’t going to change. It was time for me to change. I would rather be happy than right. So I left. It will be a long time before I ever spend time with him again, if ever. Life is too short.
2. Talk vs. Listen?
Dale Carnegie wrote, “You can make more friends in twenty minutes by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two hours trying to get them interested in you.” My senior year in high school, I was nominated for “Most Talkative” and it wasn’t a compliment. I used to talk and talk and talk. When you were exhausted from my monologue, I would find another victim to talk to. Today, the people I admire are the ones that say, “How is your family?” and then listen. “How is your business?” and then listen. Listening requires a dying of self, it’s OTHER-Centered vs. SELF-Centered. God gave us two ears, two eyes, one mouth. I am working on using those gifts in that ratio. 4-1. Listen and watch four times as much as I talk. Great listeners are welcome everywhere they go. They get invited back. Talkers don’t get asked back. I want to dominate the listening today. I watch “B” do the talk, talk, talk shuffle. I was painful. Today I like a balance of talking and listening. Its fair. Everyone has a story. Everyone has something to be proud of. The only way I will learn is to ask questions and listen. I avoid saying “That’s nothing, one time I...” and remain content and listen. I might say, “No way, then what happened...” and listen some more. It turns out, it’s fun to listen. Who knew? I never learn anything when I am talking.
3. Frown vs. Smile?
It takes thirteen facial muscles to smile, forty seven to frown. Evidently, I didn’t mind the extra work. Each of us are mirrors. We attract people of like mind and attitude. Birds of a feather, flock together. I love being around smilers. They laugh quickly and easily. They are usually in a good mood. They are genuinely glad to see you. They are Speedboats. They pull us forward. I have to, from time to time, consciously remember to smile. It’s worth the effort. I need to show more teeth. A change in physiology occurs when we do. Endorphins are released, the brain emits serotonin, a chemical which decrease stress and build our immune system. It’s healthy to smile and laugh. Watching the Different Kind of Teacher, he rarely smiles. Most of the time, he wears a frown. Sad.
4.Sulk vs. Serve?
Sulking is a kissing cousin to frowning. Sulking is self-pity in disguise. It’s a cry for pity and attention. Toddlers do it when they don’t get their way. It’s a unique combination of frowning, silence, distance and detachment. I choose to avoid the sulkers. I don’t want to know what’s wrong. I want to be around Speedboats. Anchors are toxic. It’s painful to observe. I am a recovering sulker. Anchors away. Speedboats serve others. They look for ways to help. They volunteer. They jump right and say “What can I do?” Embracing a Servant Leadership Attitude means constantly looking for ways to help. I am getting better at reading body language, anticipating needs and serving others. It’s a great feeling that instantly makes me feel good about myself.
5.Complain vs. Accept?
Bless this different kind of teachers heart! All I heard for the first few hours was how bad the food was and how stupid the people where he encountered on his drive north from California. My wife and I have a favorite phrase, “What kind of people live in this town?” She claims, and I agree, that if you are nice to people, they are always nice back. If you believe people are mean, stupid, they generally prove you right. What kind of people live in your town? Today I am working on acceptance of people, places and things. Who am I to judge others? I have no idea what they are going through. The carpenter from Nazareth once said, “Judge not, lest ye be judged. Don’t worry about the sliver in your brother’s eye when there is log in your own. I have to stop hanging around the lumber yard! Anchors complain, Speedboats accept and forgive others.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
“Treasure of the Sierra Madre”
As the current economic uncertainty continues, many people are scared, frozen, and full of fear. Sometimes the best thing you can do is go to the movies. Old black and white movies are my favorite. Nothing like a great story to put things in perspective.
Some movies change your life. Every generation, a movie comes along that makes us reexamine our values, beliefs and goals. It’s been said, “Adversity doesn’t make the man, it reveals him to himself.” The same can be said for money. If you were a scoundrel and a horse-thief before you hit a rich vein of gold, you will be a bigger scoundrel and horse-thief after you are rich.
In light of the recent results of the WaMu verdict where the guilty went free for lack of evidence, I decided to watch the 1948 Black & White John Huston classic film, “The Treasure of the Sierra Madre” starring Humphrey Bogart. He plays Fred C. Dobbs, an American vagabond, an ignoble vagrant stuck in Mexico. He hooks up with another American, Bob Curtin and strikes up a friendship out of mutual hardship.
Quite by accident, the two drifters meet Howard, a kind of mentor. He is a grizzled, experienced, philosophical old prospector who agrees to help the two americans parlay their money into the tools and time to find gold in central Mexico. They overhear a conversation Howard is having with another man:
Howard: "Say, answer me this one, will you? Why is gold worth some twenty bucks an ounce?"
Flophouse Bum: "I don't know. Because it's scarce."
Howard: "A thousand men, say, go searchin' for gold. After six months, one of them's lucky: one out of a thousand. His find represents not only his own labor, but that of nine hundred and ninety-nine others to boot. That's six thousand months, five hundred years, scramblin' over a mountain, goin' hungry and thirsty. An ounce of gold, mister, is worth what it is because of the human labor that went into the findin' and the gettin' of it."
Flophouse Bum: "I never thought of it just like that."
Howard: "Well, there's no other explanation, mister. Gold itself ain't good for nothing except making jewelry with and gold teeth. Aah, gold's a devilish sort of thing, anyway. You start out, you tell yourself you'll be satisfied with $25,000 handsome smackers worth of it. So help me, Lord, and cross my heart. Fine resolution. After months of sweatin' yourself dizzy, and growin' short on provisions, and findin' nothin', you finally come down to $15,000, then ten. Finally, you say, "Lord, let me just find $5,000 worth and I'll never ask for anythin' more the rest of my life."
Flophouse Bum: "$5,000 is a lot of money."
Howard: "Yeah, here in this joint it seems like a lot. But I tell you, if you was to make a real strike, you couldn't be dragged away. Not even the threat of miserable death would keep you from trying to add $10,000 more. Ten, you'd want to get twenty-five; twenty-five you'd want to get fifty; fifty, a hundred. Like roulette. One more turn, you know. Always one more. Howard warns the two, “Ah, as long as there's no find, the noble brotherhood will last but when the piles of gold begin to grow... that's when the trouble starts. Water's precious. Sometimes may be more precious than gold.”
The big takeaway for me from this terrific film is “Regardless of your current financial circumstances, always remember what is truly important in your life. Money is just an idea, floating around. It’s a promise. A deal isn’t done and you don’t have the promise of cash until the check clears the bank. In your search for gold, remember not to lose the things money can’t buy.”
As Bob Curtin says at the end of the film, “You know, the worst ain't so bad when it finally happens. Not half as bad as you figure it'll be before it's happened.”
The economy will eventually turn, it always does. 6,000 years of recorded history proves that fact. Remember what’s important in your life. Character counts. Enjoy the journey, the best is yet to come.
Some movies change your life. Every generation, a movie comes along that makes us reexamine our values, beliefs and goals. It’s been said, “Adversity doesn’t make the man, it reveals him to himself.” The same can be said for money. If you were a scoundrel and a horse-thief before you hit a rich vein of gold, you will be a bigger scoundrel and horse-thief after you are rich.
In light of the recent results of the WaMu verdict where the guilty went free for lack of evidence, I decided to watch the 1948 Black & White John Huston classic film, “The Treasure of the Sierra Madre” starring Humphrey Bogart. He plays Fred C. Dobbs, an American vagabond, an ignoble vagrant stuck in Mexico. He hooks up with another American, Bob Curtin and strikes up a friendship out of mutual hardship.
Quite by accident, the two drifters meet Howard, a kind of mentor. He is a grizzled, experienced, philosophical old prospector who agrees to help the two americans parlay their money into the tools and time to find gold in central Mexico. They overhear a conversation Howard is having with another man:
Howard: "Say, answer me this one, will you? Why is gold worth some twenty bucks an ounce?"
Flophouse Bum: "I don't know. Because it's scarce."
Howard: "A thousand men, say, go searchin' for gold. After six months, one of them's lucky: one out of a thousand. His find represents not only his own labor, but that of nine hundred and ninety-nine others to boot. That's six thousand months, five hundred years, scramblin' over a mountain, goin' hungry and thirsty. An ounce of gold, mister, is worth what it is because of the human labor that went into the findin' and the gettin' of it."
Flophouse Bum: "I never thought of it just like that."
Howard: "Well, there's no other explanation, mister. Gold itself ain't good for nothing except making jewelry with and gold teeth. Aah, gold's a devilish sort of thing, anyway. You start out, you tell yourself you'll be satisfied with $25,000 handsome smackers worth of it. So help me, Lord, and cross my heart. Fine resolution. After months of sweatin' yourself dizzy, and growin' short on provisions, and findin' nothin', you finally come down to $15,000, then ten. Finally, you say, "Lord, let me just find $5,000 worth and I'll never ask for anythin' more the rest of my life."
Flophouse Bum: "$5,000 is a lot of money."
Howard: "Yeah, here in this joint it seems like a lot. But I tell you, if you was to make a real strike, you couldn't be dragged away. Not even the threat of miserable death would keep you from trying to add $10,000 more. Ten, you'd want to get twenty-five; twenty-five you'd want to get fifty; fifty, a hundred. Like roulette. One more turn, you know. Always one more. Howard warns the two, “Ah, as long as there's no find, the noble brotherhood will last but when the piles of gold begin to grow... that's when the trouble starts. Water's precious. Sometimes may be more precious than gold.”
The big takeaway for me from this terrific film is “Regardless of your current financial circumstances, always remember what is truly important in your life. Money is just an idea, floating around. It’s a promise. A deal isn’t done and you don’t have the promise of cash until the check clears the bank. In your search for gold, remember not to lose the things money can’t buy.”
As Bob Curtin says at the end of the film, “You know, the worst ain't so bad when it finally happens. Not half as bad as you figure it'll be before it's happened.”
The economy will eventually turn, it always does. 6,000 years of recorded history proves that fact. Remember what’s important in your life. Character counts. Enjoy the journey, the best is yet to come.
Monday, August 1, 2011
21 Ways to Spot a Gentleman
Have you ever met a Gentleman? Someone with class and sophistication? Do you remember the Grey Poupon ad some years ago? “Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?” I loved that ad.
Recently a very successful physician turned entrepreneur called me. We met at his magnificent home on the shores of Lake Washington, in Seattle, WA. It was a mansion. 10,000 square feet. He is a class act. A true gentleman. We conceptually agreed to work together. As I drove home I considered all the qualities he possessed. Here is my short list. I call it, “21 Ways to Spot a Gentleman.”
He asks questions based on research
He listens, truly listens to your answers
He does not interrupt
He refrains from trying to “One Up Me” with a better story
He remembers the names of people important to me (my children)
He is a pragmatic optimist
He is naturally curious
He avoids telling dirty jokes
He is well dressed but not flashy
He is up on current events
He asks what books you have read the last 90-days
He sits erect, has great posture at all times
He keeps his word, to himself first, others second
He is confident but not arrogant
He waits until everyone else has their food before eating his
He avoids criticism and judgment
He is well spoken with an impressive vocabulary
He is fit
He avoids cursing and foul language
He treats his wife with respect and dignity
He is thoughtful and generous
I realize this is quite a list to live up to. As I drove back to my office, I realized he had given me a great gift, able example. Was he successful because he had all these qualities or did he have all these qualities because he was successful? The former I believe. He was not born with these behaviors, they were honed, developed, nurtured, and crafted over time. Trial and error. Did I mention he kept a journal and jotted down things he heard me say? A true student. I came to the conclusion I have a lot of work to do.
I wonder what will become of me. I wonder how I will be remembered, what will be said of me at my funeral. I hope at least some of these qualities are mentioned.
I enjoy investing time with Gentlemen. I learn so much. “Pardon me...”
Recently a very successful physician turned entrepreneur called me. We met at his magnificent home on the shores of Lake Washington, in Seattle, WA. It was a mansion. 10,000 square feet. He is a class act. A true gentleman. We conceptually agreed to work together. As I drove home I considered all the qualities he possessed. Here is my short list. I call it, “21 Ways to Spot a Gentleman.”
He asks questions based on research
He listens, truly listens to your answers
He does not interrupt
He refrains from trying to “One Up Me” with a better story
He remembers the names of people important to me (my children)
He is a pragmatic optimist
He is naturally curious
He avoids telling dirty jokes
He is well dressed but not flashy
He is up on current events
He asks what books you have read the last 90-days
He sits erect, has great posture at all times
He keeps his word, to himself first, others second
He is confident but not arrogant
He waits until everyone else has their food before eating his
He avoids criticism and judgment
He is well spoken with an impressive vocabulary
He is fit
He avoids cursing and foul language
He treats his wife with respect and dignity
He is thoughtful and generous
I realize this is quite a list to live up to. As I drove back to my office, I realized he had given me a great gift, able example. Was he successful because he had all these qualities or did he have all these qualities because he was successful? The former I believe. He was not born with these behaviors, they were honed, developed, nurtured, and crafted over time. Trial and error. Did I mention he kept a journal and jotted down things he heard me say? A true student. I came to the conclusion I have a lot of work to do.
I wonder what will become of me. I wonder how I will be remembered, what will be said of me at my funeral. I hope at least some of these qualities are mentioned.
I enjoy investing time with Gentlemen. I learn so much. “Pardon me...”
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